Something happens I guess. You just realize that people all over the place take journeys all the time, and suddenly you forget yourself a little. Like, you forget a lot of your insecurities, the things that make you think 'I could never' or 'that happens to other people, but not to me.' Thoughts like that, bad thoughts like that. It just happens. Thoughts like that are not the truth. Actually, they're more like the residual affects of lies you've been fed forever. I learned it's important to recognize that a lot of the time, 'the way I've always known it' is not nearly as amazing- or honest- as 'the way it could be done.'
And so you change. You see the truth when you zoom out of yourself a little. People take journeys all the time. Maybe now is your time. Maybe if you keep thinking about it, your time will come soon if it's not right now. The important thing has been to remember that whatever desire is inside of you is there for a reason. It's also important to remember that you might not know what that reason is right now. But you still have to learn to trust, and the only way to do that is to power through, and trust.
I also learned that if you don't actively pursue what you love, you'll hate yourself. And you'll be more inclined to believe the world is meaningless- and you can seem intellectual and academic and sound smart if you're like that, but one thing you can't be is inspiring to others. Or, to yourself. Eventually, regret will well up inside of you and you will make decisions from places of fear, an attachment to security, a desire for control and a resentment over the belief that your ship has sailed and you missed it. Which would be just the worst way to live. The bad news is that happens to a lot of people; the good news is that even if it's happening to you right now, you can change it. You can. You really, honestly can. You can actively pursue what you love. Every human soul has something inside it. It's a fire that points to what we really want. It's so simple.
I can't believe I'm 26 and I just figured it out, or am figuring it out. It feels like everything to this point has honestly been kind of a mess: nothing was ultimate or truthful or real, really, not really 'getting me anywhere'. But now it's like I'm coming upon peace and I thought I had it before but I didn't, nor did I honestly believe it was possible. I made life all about complicated philosophies and big vocabulary words and special teachings, and it's actually, ultimately, so, so simple. Actively pursue what you love, what your soul was made to do, and you cannot lose. And what's better, is that more and more desires will be brought to you and fulfilled than you can even imagine. It's crazy. It really seems crazy, but it's true. As long as you know where your heart is going, you'll be fine. I say that, but I have this mental, human sense of doubt that it's true. And yet there is another voice inside that says it is true. It's like a knowing beyond knowing. It's so pure.
And that's another thing I'm learning, is to keep it pure. There's something rare and beautiful and extremely powerful about purity, about ideas that come from pure places. They're unique. We've all been subject to a lot of crap. We're all broken. Seen things we know just don't sit right and done things we wouldn't do again, had our insecurities fed that way. I have to say it feels really weird to conscientiously divert my eyes and my mind away from things that don't feed my soul, to end relationships that don't respect, to let go of things that don't make me a better human being- but it feels good. It feels honest. It feels like truth. It takes time. You'd never think to stick with it unless there was some unimaginably great benefit. I trust that there is.
I know it. I want to actively pursue what I love and sometimes that means the end of things that aren't really helpful to that and that alone. Which is scary. But I don't know why I was so blind, I don't know how I missed it, that if I wanted my heart to actually heal I should probably have stopped breaking it. No one wants to admit that they could do such things to themselves. But humans do it all the time: we kill ourselves to live, and it's ridiculous. We know we need to be loved and forgiven, but we run the other way.
But it's simple now. It's simple. I changed. It's not so much like a 'change yourself' change, it's different. Something's happening to me I guess. I really don't want the lights to go out on anything again. And they won't. I know because I'm seeking something bigger than myself. This world is no longer about me: what freedom.
My voice and thoughts in 2013, re-reading an old journal. So funny to read these little seedlings of perspective, and see the fruits they have finally grown.