I haven't been posting lately because the past four days of my life have been crazy busy- in a good way- because I started a new job!
I am working as an account specialist at a marketing company, which doesn't really begin to cover what I actually do. I am learning so much every day that I just never knew existed, which for me is an exciting thing. There's still so much I want to do with my own business too: on this blog with my art; and on my other blog- one I created a long time ago for sharing journalism articles and essays- which I was inspired to re-activate after a cathartic trip to New York where talk with some fellow journalists re-ignited my passion for sharing my thoughts via the written word.
So that's it for now, really: it feels very surprisingly nice to be on some kind of new and different schedule. It's not as scary as I thought it would be: in fact, I kind of like it. For the first time in my life I actually, truly, really feel that I am in control of my own future, and I can see it going somewhere. That sounds weird, but it's true. I was always anxious and impossibly self-destructive in any environments in which I detected a sense of structure- starting at home, which was not a good experience for me, and therefore continuing in any scenario where there were clearly-defined boundaries and responsibilities. I think only people who have grown up in chaotic or unstable environments can understand this; it's a sort of Will Hunting Complex kind of thing, where you don't want to actually do anything with your life except actively mess it up, because a mess is all it's ever been. It's strange.
But my attitude is changing. I think I am slowly but surely becoming more of the person I actually am, and always imagined I wanted to be. I'm really being vocal at work and trying new things. I'm not getting overwhelmed, even though the job is very demanding and still so new. I actually believe in myself. And for the first time in my life I am exposing myself to people who believe in me too: I am living with my Godparents and this is an incredible experience, especially in addition to my job. Though I was very timid at first to come into their home, into their structure, it has proven to be a necessary experience: I think I am finally, though very late in life, getting the home and the stability I had previously only observed from the outside. I trust them. I feel safe, loved, and not alone. This is new.
And it's great.