Thursday, July 12, 2012

New.

I haven't been posting lately because the past four days of my life have been crazy busy- in a good way- because I started a new job!

I am working as an account specialist at a marketing company, which doesn't really begin to cover what I actually do.  I am learning so much every day that I just never knew existed, which for me is an exciting thing.  There's still so much I want to do with my own business too: on this blog with my art; and on my other blog- one I created a long time ago for sharing journalism articles and essays- which I was inspired to re-activate after a cathartic trip to New York where talk with some fellow journalists re-ignited my passion for sharing my thoughts via the written word.

So that's it for now, really: it feels very surprisingly nice to be on some kind of new and different schedule.  It's not as scary as I thought it would be: in fact, I kind of like it.  For the first time in my life I actually, truly, really feel that I am in control of my own future, and I can see it going somewhere.  That sounds weird, but it's true.  I was always anxious and impossibly self-destructive in any environments in which I detected a sense of structure- starting at home, which was not a good experience for me, and therefore continuing in any scenario where there were clearly-defined boundaries and responsibilities.  I think only people who have grown up in chaotic or unstable environments can understand this; it's a sort of Will Hunting Complex kind of thing, where you don't want to actually do anything with your life except actively mess it up, because a mess is all it's ever been.  It's strange. 

But my attitude is changing.  I think I am slowly but surely becoming more of the person I actually am, and always imagined I wanted to be.  I'm really being vocal at work and trying new things.  I'm not getting overwhelmed, even though the job is very demanding and still so new.  I actually believe in myself.  And for the first time in my life I am exposing myself to people who believe in me too: I am living with my Godparents and this is an incredible experience, especially in addition to my job.  Though I was very timid at first to come into their home, into their structure, it has proven to be a necessary experience: I think I am finally, though very late in life, getting the home and the stability I had previously only observed from the outside.  I trust them.  I feel safe, loved, and not alone.  This is new. 

And it's great.

xoxo

2 comments:

TripleG said...

Our two cats showed up at the back door, six years apart, as hungry kittens; they were taken in and have blossomed. What would have been their likely future as ferals? You know. So finding the right structure and environment to thrive in, is it random fate or luck or having the rare opportunity to make the right choice at the right time? Time for you to thrive.

A Quartzy Life said...

I really like your perspective and insight. They say luck is when preparation meets opportunity, huh? That must be that whole 'making the the right choice at the right time' thing. It's funny how many things I once thought were curses have actually turned out to be blessings- but not until I changed my attitude. It makes such a difference. Thanks for the support.